Shut up or get out

I unfortunately had to ask a girl to leave while I was on stage during my final show last night. This is only something that happens very very rarely to be honest. If audience members are being disruptive, then they either usually have the self awareness and respect for those around them to change their behaviour, or they might be reigned in by their mates, or they might be asked to leave during an interval.

I’m sure this girl had had a few drinks, but it’s not like her behaviour seemed like it was down to the alcohol – I hate to make crass generalised judgements about somebody’s character, but I’m going to anyway… She just came across like one of them young overprivileged little posh princess types who had spent her life just getting what she wanted and probably lived off Mummy and Daddy’s money, and without really ever having to consider anybody else around her.

I told you it was a crass judgment, but fuck her. I was on last, and although I hadn’t seen the rest of the show before me, it was already apparent to me that she had been asked to stop chatting during the show on a number of occasions, but just hadn’t got the message. With in just a few minutes of being on stage I already had to ask her to stop talking twice as I could hear people around her getting very agitated by the constant wittering, but then she would just carry on. I made the decision to just tell her to get out, and that we wouldn’t be carrying on with the show until she had gone, obviously this was mixed with a few comical assumptions about her sexual promiscuity and chosen area of employment, but with another twenty minutes to do, and the audience obviously sick to death of her, I just decided that she had to go.

It took a while to get rid of her as she just had no clue as to what a total pain in the arse she was. The audience had had enough though and wanted rid, and eventually when she left, there was a big cheer – as is the protocol in such events – and the show continued significantly better for her absence.

The bottom line is that if you want to talk, don’t go to live comedy. Everybody around you has paid decent money to be there, and not to listen to whatever inane superficial bullshit you want to say to your mates – What I’m saying is, please do support live comedy here in the UK, it is nothing without an audience. – But also, do shut the fuck up or fuck off!

If there is ever an advertising campaign to promote live comedy in Britain, maybe that should be the slogan… “Live British comedy, the best in the world!… Oh but also, please do shut the fuck up or fuck off – thank you for your cooperation!”

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About me...

I am a stand-up comedian from Liverpool. I am blind, and I live with my wife and young daughter in South West London.

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