Feeling Hot! Hot! Hot!

So the hot weather finally got here! The generally gloomy summer so far made way for a bloody scorcher yesterday! – The hottest day of the year so far, and this change was marked by my wife’s willingness to actually turn the central heating off for a bit.

 Over the years the position of that little thermostat dial in the hall has been the subject of many a ‘heated argument’, and to be honest I’m just surprised that we’ve lasted this long without one of us ending up in prison for murdering the other.

 The problem stems entirely from her of course. She is from Rio De Janeiro in Brazil, where the average temperature for much of the year is in excess of 30 degrees centigrade, with frequent frankly ridiculous leaps in to the 40s. I on the other hand am from Liverpool on the Costa del Mersey, where the annual average temperature fluctuates somewhere between whatever it is that numbers 3 and 4 represent on that clunky dial in the fridge.

Her insistence on having the central heating on for around 98% of the year means that the air in our flat is often so muggy, with her artificially manufactured tropical atmosphere, that it almost feels like I have to swim inside using some kind of breaststroke manoeuvre and manually spoon mouthfuls of gloopy warm air in to my mouth in order to remain conscious.

My argument is always that she should just put a bloody jumper on if she is that cold, and not subject me to the same climate conditions that she feels are necessary for her own personal – and yes selfish – levels of comfort. If she wanted to then she could quite easily stick on three jumpers, two pairs of gloves, and four wooly hats, all one on top of each other – Its theoretically possible, she could do that!

I however can only take off as many clothes as I am wearing. Once the final layer has been removed, and I am stood there, naked in my living room in an ever expanding puddle of myself, with my poor drooping heat exhausted scrotum just swinging away from side to side as it chafes against the laminate flooring like a dwindling grandfather clock – I’m out of options! I mean, its not like I can just peel my skin off to get a bit of extra breeze to my kidneys is it?

The number of times I’ve had to remove myself off to a closed room, and sit near an open window, as premonitions of tomorrow’s newspaper headlines have seemed all too real as they have flashed through my sweaty head… “Man beats wife to death with oversized novelty thermometer”… Its not as ridiculous as it sounds, I’ve had fantasies.

So yes, even when it gets hot, its nothing I’m not used to on a fairly day to day basis at home. At least this kind of heat though, is natural organic heat with added vitamin D, and at least I can sit at home with all of the windows open to get a bit of breeze running through the place. The main benefit to this natural heat I suppose though, is that it means that both my wife and I will likely live to fight another day – Its better for her, its better for me, and its definitely better for my scrotum.

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About me...

I am a stand-up comedian from Liverpool. I am blind, and I live with my wife and young daughter in South West London.

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